Just to set the story straight we are R2 Graphic Design & Advertising Inc. dba R Squared. You can call us r2 for short but don’t call us r2 squared – that’s just redundant and wrong. Most people figure the R2 stands for Rick Richardson – but just to complicate things my real name is Barton Deane Richardson, where the Rick come from I will never know, other than to avoid confusion at family gatherings (Grandfather – Uncle and then me – all Barton – Bart or Bartie.) Anyways this has very little to do with anything other than I thought it a good lead in to my next Blauugh.
Heat Index: Today’s sports nicknames stink – By DOUG HALLER – Jul. 15, 2009 – AZ Republic
You know, with all the new media out there, you’d think the nickname business would be experiencing a renaissance of sorts. Sadly, pitifully, that’s not the case.
How bad is it? Amaré Stoudemire decided not long ago that he wanted a new, fresher nickname. The Suns forward decided on Sun Tzu, and you can bet the Suns are just giddy over the marketing aspects of such a moniker.
Let’s face it: Today’s nicknames stink. Somehow we’ve gone from Magic, Sweetness and Charlie Hustle to Black Mamba, The Big Shaqtus and The Machine. It shows an amazing lack of creativity that should insult fans everywhere.
Seeking answers, The Heat Index contacted Louis Phillips, an essayist from New York City who long ago co-authored “The Complete Book of Sports
Nicknames.” How powerful can a nickname be? Phillips is convinced that former Red Sox pitcher Dennis “Oil Can” Boyd would not have played 10 seasons without such a colorful nickname. In other words, Boyd’s name trumped his game, which probably is true.
Several reasons that have contributed to this dying art. “First, the shift from print media to television,” he wrote. “Nicknames in print have staying power. TV nicknames have a ‘made-up, spur-of-the-moment’ fleeting essence.
“Also the shift away from reading literature affected the quality of sports writing in America. The great sportswriters such as Ring Lardner, Grant land Rice and Red Barber were literary men, and they wrote well. It takes imagination to come up with a nickname such as ‘The Four Horsemen’.”
Phillips also mentioned political correctness and free agency. But we’re convinced great nicknames have declined simply because no guidelines exist to help those involved.
In that regard, we’re here to help:
- Rule 1: No player is allowed to give himself a nickname or is authorized to change an existing nickname. Henceforth, this shall be known as the Stoudemire Rule.
- Rule 2: Initials do not a nickname make. Therefore, TO does not suffice for Terrell Owens, just as LB, as popular as it is in the Valley, doesn’t work for Leandro Barbosa. Come on, do you think Barack Obama answers to BO inside the White House? Not a chance.
- Rule 3: Syllables do not a nickname make. This eliminates BoMel, TMac, ManRam, DWade, ARod, CoJack, JRich, JUp, JKidd, JRoll and JWill.
- Rule 4: Baseball’s tendency to attach a “y” or “ie” to a surname makes a clubhouse intimate, but it should not be viewed as an acceptable form of nicknaming. This no doubt will send shock-waves throughout the industry. Just look at the Diamondbacks, a team with Byrnsie, Webby, Lopey, Gutie, Schoeney, Quallsy and Gibby.
You’d think Chad Tracy would be thrilled since his surname actually ends in “y,” but no. In Tracy’s case the “y” is inexplicably dropped, and he’s known simply as Trace. Makes no sense.
- Rule 5: Nicknames must be memorable; another reason Stoudemire’s Sun Tzu will flop. The Heat Index has been writing these rules for an hour now and has had to look up Sun Tzu every time. Keep it simple, along the lines of Air Jordan, Dr. J and Bear Bryant.
- Rule 6: Rhyming is encouraged. Stan the Man, Wilt the Stilt, The Italian Stallion, Mean Joe Greene, The Round Mound of Rebound. These have staying power because they are easily remembered.
- Rule 7: On the same note, alliteration is your friend. Pistol Pete, Hammerin’ Hank, Joltin’ Joe and The Splendid Splinter all roll off the tongue.
- Rule 8: Nicknames must have little problem fitting into daily conversation. Example: How many times have you heard a co-worker ask, ‘Hey, did anyone see The Machine last night? That guy is awesome!” But once upon a time, it wasn’t uncommon to hear that The Iceman lit up the Knicks or that The Wizard of Oz made an amazing play at short.